Facilitating Constellations - Look for the Fit Part 2

Last post, I explained to you why "looking for a fit" works so much better than persuading, or "selling" family constellations.

And you learned the importance of simply saying something like: "You know, I'm just here to find out if what I'm thinking is right for you. So ask me any questions you like, and please don't mind if I ask you some too. I really want to understand what your needs are."

But what should your questions be about? This brings us to principle number 2 for successfully networking family constellations--Ask, Listen, and Learn first.

You have two primary goals here. The first is to be remembered by your friend or potential client as an interesting person. You want to stand out from the many who are clamoring for attention. And the second is, you want to gather the information you need to properly tailor what you will soon say about family constellations.

Be Interesting

To be remembered as interesting, what you have to do is show real interest in the person. It's a sweet paradox. To be INTERESTING to someone, just be INTERESTED in them. The sales types droning on about what they have to offer will be forgotten as all the same.

The simple way to do this is to ASK people questions about themselves and then really LISTEN. What questions? That's super easy, because you just follow your natural curiosity and ask about whatever gets them talking freely about themselves.

You're feeling your way into what it's like to be them. My friend and social media mentor, Paul Zelizer, calls this "leading with your empathy." As a practitioner of family constellations, and perhaps other helping modalities--empathy is one of your strong suits.

Do this well, of course, and you will be LEARNING about the person. Beyond what the person's life and needs are like, there are two kinds of things in particular you want to learn. One of them I'll come back to in my next post. It's part of what I call, "qualifying the client."

Scout the Territory

But first you want to focus on that other goal above--finding out how to best present your ideas to this particular person. So the second kind of questions to ask are those that tune you in to the person's likely attitudes towards family constellations, and/or your other helping modalities.

How easy is it for the person to accept that hidden loyalties to the birth family's past shape her or his life? Is she or he already into psychic phenomena, or else somewhat skeptical? What sort of experiences of therapy or group work have there been? How open is the person about personal suffering? How intellectually interested (or not) is she or he about how your tools might work?

Remember, many people just want results. And generally, talking benefits is more important than explaining tools. Even if people want explanations, always highlight the benefits.

The point is, lean your curiosity gently towards learning how to best talk to the person. Towards the end of the conversation, when you do describe what you might do--you focus on or stay at first away from different aspects of family constellations for different types of people.

So, "Ask, Listen, and Learn First" makes you interesting, and keeps you from putting your foot in your mouth later.